Monday morning. Tired as all hell. I was falling asleep in between every train stop and my eyelids feel like they have ten pound weights pulling down on them. All I want to be doing right now is sleeping but I back in the office with lots of work I should be doing, and aboslutely no motivation to do it.
Yesterday I ended up going to the Coogee Bay and having a few rounds of beers, and having a good old boogy in the front back where the musician plays. Before that I was at Megan Lilley's house having beers and a bitch about men...having a bitch because her boyfriend was going out for beers with Raury. The Raury who was just too sick to see me last weekend, and too much of a coward and a pussy to make any effort to reschedule. He would rather break up with me via text, taking no responsiblity for his own actions, and blaming everything on me and my inability to let him in.
I don't know what was said while they had beers, but from the way he's acted towards me and the things he said to me, I can't imagine there would be any kind words passes. Apparantly I'm a prude for making him wait to have sex, and cold hearted because I don't want to see someone every second of every day because I want to take it slow.
I went and saw a counsellor on Saturday to talk about what happened with Raury, and just my issues with guys in general, and my fear of getting hurt, and my horrible luck picking the wrong guys and not being able to recognise and take action when I realise they are not the right man for me.
I felt so good after my session, she said Raury was a jerk, and a coward for doing things the way he did, and that he did not respect me. And I thought, yea you are right, that is what I thought. And we spoke about how his ex's had been violent with him, and I had a bad feeling when I hurt that questioning myself was it because he dated violent people, or that he actually pushed these people to violence because of his actions and words....and after what he did to me I am beginining to really believe the latter. I'm still so angry. How can he pretend to be so loving and caring, and then be so horrible??
He was so no truthful about who he was as a person because it seems like the real him is a mean hearted man, he really cares about no one but himself....that the reason he hates his dad so much is because he has become just like him. And he has the audacity to ask my friend boyfriend, the one I introduced him to only weeks before- the one he's only ever caught up with once on his own, to have beers after he is a total dickhead to me- and when he refuses to speak to me in person like a man. And I'm sure he has painted this picture of me as a throw away gf, not worth his time, mean, uncaring, you name it. And that he is this angel martyr who had to put up with my high maintenance ways.
God I am so over men- they are so selfish, all they want to do is satisfy their own needs and they don't care about how that affects women. They want sex. I want a relationship. So I don't have sex with them, and I choose to wait and get to know someone before I just give it up, and that means I'm a prude, and that I'm creating a barrier between myself and this person. And I just don't believe that's true. I think you can still get close to someone without having sex. Obviously sex is the closest way- but why the hell does everyone think I just need to sleep with these guys who just go on to hurt me, get over me, and make me feel like shit!?
Why don't I get the right to choose when I feel fucking ready to take that step? I've got a FUCKING STD and I'm not about to tell someone about this before I know they won't judge me, before they will dump me on the spot. It makes everything 100 times harder, I should never have slept with Raury without telling him, but I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to break up with me. I feel like I have leprecrucy. I feel like an untouchable.
Lord I just want to let go of this anger, I want to let go of this fear. I pray to just be grateful for the blessing that I have, and be grateful for each day I have, and to accept the things I cannot change. I am happy with my life, my family, and my friends, and I hope to meet a wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with. I know there is someone out there that I can trust with my heart, who will respect me, my body, and my dreams, and who will be a loving a devoted husband, and a kind and caring father. He will be happy to wait for me, and he will not begrudge me for wanting to take things slow and get to know each other. He will respect my needs and I will respect his.
I know you are out there somewhere.....lord please let him find me. I'm waiting, and trying to hard to be patient :)
