Counselling

Monday morning. Tired as all hell. I was falling asleep in between every train stop and my eyelids feel like they have ten pound weights pulling down on them. All I want to be doing right now is sleeping but I back in the office with lots of work I should be doing, and aboslutely no motivation to do it.

Yesterday I ended up going to the Coogee Bay and having a few rounds of beers, and having a good old boogy in the front back where the musician plays. Before that I was at Megan Lilley's house having beers and a bitch about men...having a bitch because her boyfriend was going out for beers with Raury. The Raury who was just too sick to see me last weekend, and too much of a coward and a pussy to make any effort to reschedule. He would rather break up with me via text, taking no responsiblity for his own actions, and blaming everything on me and my inability to let him in.

I don't know what was said while they had beers, but from the way he's acted towards me and the things he said to me, I can't imagine there would be any kind words passes. Apparantly I'm a prude for making him wait to have sex, and cold hearted because I don't want to see someone every second of every day because I want to take it slow.

I went and saw a counsellor on Saturday to talk about what happened with Raury, and just my issues with guys in general, and my fear of getting hurt, and my horrible luck picking the wrong guys and not being able to recognise and take action when I realise they are not the right man for me.

I felt so good after my session, she said Raury was a jerk, and a coward for doing things the way he did, and that he did not respect me. And I thought, yea you are right, that is what I thought. And we spoke about how his ex's had been violent with him, and I had a bad feeling when I hurt that questioning myself was it because he dated violent people, or that he actually pushed these people to violence because of his actions and words....and after what he did to me I am beginining to really believe the latter. I'm still so angry. How can he pretend to be so loving and caring, and then be so horrible??

He was so no truthful about who he was as a person because it seems like the real him is a mean hearted man, he really cares about no one but himself....that the reason he hates his dad so much is because he has become just like him. And he has the audacity to ask my friend boyfriend, the one I introduced him to only weeks before- the one he's only ever caught up with once on his own, to have beers after he is a total dickhead to me- and when he refuses to speak to me in person like a man. And I'm sure he has painted this picture of me as a throw away gf, not worth his time, mean, uncaring, you name it. And that he is this angel martyr who had to put up with my high maintenance ways.

God I am so over men- they are so selfish, all they want to do is satisfy their own needs and they don't care about how that affects women. They want sex. I want a relationship. So I don't have sex with them, and I choose to wait and get to know someone before I just give it up, and that means I'm a prude, and that I'm creating a barrier between myself and this person. And I just don't believe that's true. I think you can still get close to someone without having sex. Obviously sex is the closest way- but why the hell does everyone think I just need to sleep with these guys who just go on to hurt me, get over me, and make me feel like shit!?

Why don't I get the right to choose when I feel fucking ready to take that step? I've got a FUCKING STD and I'm not about to tell someone about this before I know they won't judge me, before they will dump me on the spot. It makes everything 100 times harder, I should never have slept with Raury without telling him, but I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to break up with me. I feel like I have leprecrucy. I feel like an untouchable.

Lord I just want to let go of this anger, I want to let go of this fear. I pray to just be grateful for the blessing that I have, and be grateful for each day I have, and to accept the things I cannot change. I am happy with my life, my family, and my friends, and I hope to meet a wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with. I know there is someone out there that I can trust with my heart, who will respect me, my body, and my dreams, and who will be a loving a devoted husband, and a kind and caring father. He will be happy to wait for me, and he will not begrudge me for wanting to take things slow and get to know each other. He will respect my needs and I will respect his.

I know you are out there somewhere.....lord please let him find me. I'm waiting, and trying to hard to be patient :)

I was feeling so much better after I finished writing the article about depression and Raury. SO much better. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had written the article, and organised meeting up with him on the Saturday and we were going to talk and get closure, and get things off my chest.

So I went out, had lots of drinks, lots of flirting, and lots of fun. Maybe a bit too much fun as I took a stumble and got a very bruised arm. I wasn't feeling too horrible. Then I got a text from Raury saying he was sick, bronchitis, and could we move coffee till the next day. Bummer. I will never know if he really was sick, or just didn't want to see me. But I had a gut feeling that I wouldn't be seeing him the next day either as bronchitis doesn't go away in a day. And I got a message the next day saying he was still not well enough. And then I started feeling sad again.

I'm not sure what it is. Do I really think speaking to him will make me feel better? Yes, I guess so. It just all happened so fast, and was so horrible, and it was over texts and on the phone. I understand that an underlying factor was his depression, but I'm still confused as to what happened. So many of the things he said to me really hurt, and I feel like they are true.

I was reading my aclhemist quotes print out and there was one that stuck out 'make sure your heart understands that the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself'. And that is so true. I'm so fucking afraid of getting hurt again the way Kevin hurt me that I never full commit to a relationship. I feel like that is somehow going to be better. That maybe once they do, I will feel more comfortable. But they never end up commiting, they end up dumping. I'm so fearless in almost every aspect of my life, except love. It's one of those things I just cannot seem to get right, i struggle to find people, and when I do something always happens to end in an early dimise. And I'm always on the receiving end. I just don't get it.

I feel like something is wrong with me. I felt like with Raury I was finally doing everything right, but it turns out I didn't give enough. Oh god I thought I was getting better, moving on, and now all those shitty emotions are pouring right back at me and my eyes are filling with tears again. Maybe I'm just feeling the reprucissions of a really boozy weekend. I hope so.

I just keep coming back to that quote. I need to stop being afriad of getting hurt, and just let myself love again, with no restraint. I did love Luke, but I didn't love him for all that he was and it would have never worked because he wasn't right for me. Ryan was just a write off- a rebound. He was sweet, but way too immature. But Raury...I don't know. I really was falling for him. But at the same time, when I said I didn't want to see him everyday...I was being honest. That wasn't me trying to play games, or holding back to hurt him.

And he didn't like that at all. I wanted to speak to him everyday, definately. But I like having my own space sometimes. I want someone who wants me, and wants me to want them...but sometimes in a relationship it's not always going to be equal, and he didn't understand that. My mom said that her friends said it sounded like his behaviour was similar to someone who would commit domestic violence.

That is really scary to hear. I'm already really shaken up about his battle with depression and his lash out at me...I can't even begin to think about being mixed up in something like that. It's just crazy how much I really didn't know about him, and how he expected me to just fall at his feet in adoration.

God, I don't want to be single, but man do I really struggle with relationships. I need to find a happy middle ground. I need to let go of my fears. I will probably get hurt again, but I really need to give myself 100% next time, because then at least I will get all the wonderful feelings of being in love. And if it ends, it ends, but at least I got to have it. As it stands, I just keep walking to the edge, and then having a war with myself until the guy is too fed up with waiting and decides I'm not worth it.

Next time, I think I'm going to wait till I'm in love to sleep with someone. I know that means it's probably going to be quite some time before I have sex again but I am perfectly ok with that. I want to let go of these sad feelings, and this hopelessness because it's not helpful, or positive, or going to get me anywhere except back in the bathroom filling the tiles with my tears.

I need to let go of everything that has happened in the past, completely let go of all the hurt and pain of my broken heart so I can move on, so I can meet my soul mate and be ready to love completely. I love myself, I am happy with myself, and I am ready to love someone else.

I still feel sad that I didn't speak to Raury. I don't know why I feel I need to speak to him because I should be angry at the way he treated me- he shouldnt' deserve me reaching out to him. But I feel like he reaction was unfair and unjust-he didn't give me a chance to speak my mind and my side, he just spouted his own opinion and then ended it without even looking me in the eyes.

I guess any sane person would say he's just a jerk, he didn't care about me, and that I should just move on. Maybe I should. But why do I feel like I need to speak to him in order to do that....